Saying goodbye to St Piran

Having recently embraced maxi skirt life and, as a result, having experienced a newfound inability to take big enough steps to do anything, I even let the nice boat man hold my hand as I climbed aboard, which I assume means that we’re married now.

Upon boarding, I was confronted with three vicars and bishop. I’d conveniently forgotten the whole ‘blessing’ part of the deal, so focused had I been on the serious business of having a pint on a boat.… Read More Saying goodbye to St Piran

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Bloody well summer, innit.

Back when I lived in London I enjoyed the nice weather up until around late spring, but then the humidity would arrive, and the bad-tempered, sweaty men on the northern line would take up even more room while manspreading, and the air felt like it had somehow thickened in the heat, which was a phenomenon I had always previously assumed was reserved for sauces alone.… Read More Bloody well summer, innit.

The seagulls next door

My only slight issue is that Disney movies led me to believe that when I finally made some birdy friends they’d be the pretty, delicate kind who might occasionally run a duster around and would definitely help me get dressed. And, admittedly, they’d be set up for failure from the get-go because it would take a full flock to haul me into my bra of a morning, but it would still be nice to try.… Read More The seagulls next door

Back on the board

All this cold weather has turned the prospect of being in the sea into my own personal nightmare. In the summer I used to go for a post-work dip on a regular basis, in naught but a swimming costume, and would feel suitably smug about it every time. Now I watch the surfers in the stormy waters, neoprene-d to the hilt and slowly turning blue. They say it’s fine because the water is warmer than the air. I think that just means we need to reassess he definition of ‘fine’.… Read More Back on the board

BIG NEWS: Nobody has asked me to work on Blue Planet III

But the other day, when I was cycling home from work I noticed a weirdly huge flock of seagulls pegging it out into Falmouth bay and I watched them as they went, because I am a negligent cyclist who does not look where she’s going when there are more interesting things going on. I saw a big group of swimmers moving quite close to the cliffs. I thought it was a bit weird because nobody really swims in mid-February, and those that do tend to stay near the shore. They also tend to be exceptionally hardy older ladies who go in wearing nothing but a normal swimming costume, and these swimmers seemed to be wearing wetsuits. They were doing a lot of splashing and moving incredibly fast.… Read More BIG NEWS: Nobody has asked me to work on Blue Planet III

So, I might not be a minimalist

Now that I have a whole dwelling to myself, I spend an inordinate amount of time reading articles about all of the ways I’m failing to maintain an aspirational millenial home. I don’t have a cactus. Nothing is rose gold. I literally couldn’t give a shit about hygge.

Unfortunately, though, it is not even remotely in my nature to have a curated or (perish the thought) minimalist living situation. I like stuff too much.… Read More So, I might not be a minimalist

That time I sat on a man’s head while surfing

The only snag was when we got to that whole ‘standing up’ thing they seem to┬áinsist that all surfers be able to do. I just couldn’t do it. I could push my torso up. I could even get up onto one knee. But at the last, crucial ‘Blue Crush’ moment, I always ended up with a mouthful of Newquay seawater. All around me, my fellow students – who I’d (smugly) sailed past so many times as I caught wave after wave while they struggled – flew past me. Sure, none of them looked like they were quite ready to star in their own early-noughties sports movies either, but at least they were out of the water.… Read More That time I sat on a man’s head while surfing